Inevitable Goodbyes
by Boonie94
Summary: Bones life isnt going as planned and shes not sure of how to deal with it. I know it doesn't sound much like Brennan but Im giving it my best. Please leave reviews! :)
1. Chapter 1

I was alone with the doctor when I found out. I had come in for an emergency appointment when I noticed the tiniest of smears on my toilet paper. Booth had asked if he should come with me but I told him it was just a routine appointment and pretended that I forgot to tell him about it.

"You shouldn't miss work on such short notice,"

"You sure Bones?"

"It's nothing," I smiled. He kissed my forehead and walked out the door. I was eleven weeks along. There had been no problems before this. It was my second pregnancy; I knew that strange fluids and sensations were the order of the day. I sounded frantic over the phone; the nurse tried to be reassuring but wasn't very successful. I needed to be completely certain.

The doctor- she wasn't my regular doctor just the doctor on call that day- started the sonogram. It was taking longer than usual. "Everything okay?" I asked. No response. It was like that for what seemed like an eternity.

"I'm sorry," I didn't understand. What was she sorry about? Was the machine not working correctly? Was that the reason the baby hadn't been doing much of anything? She explained that it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could have done. It hadn't even occurred to me that it might have been something I had done. My mind raced with the possibilities. It didn't make sense I hadn't changed anything, I did everything as I did with Christine what went wrong? How will I tell Booth?

I am probably the only woman out there who has a problem with the word miscarriage. It sounds like it was my fault: Whoopsie I dropped the baby, I was carrying him all wrong. And the alternatives….. I lost the baby? How bad of a mother do you have to be to misplace a baby that is still inside of you? "The baby died" is a little too direct for Booth. And let's not be dramatic it wasn't quite a baby yet. Almost but not yet. She handed me a few tissues.

"I'll give you a minute, If you would like to call someone, I'll be back to discuss further procedures with you."

"Thank you Doctor," I stared at my phone for a little unsure if I should call Booth or just wait until he got home. I decided to call Booth; I repeated the doctor's words. We sat in a silence for a moment when he finally said I'll be over as soon as I can. The nurse brought in a cup of water and apologized once again I didn't say anything just stared at the wall as tears rolled down my face. I took a moment to calm down and drove home. I knew Booth would want to talk about this but I simply didn't know what to say.

I sat on the bed and listened for the car door. I remembered asking Booth to stop and get Christine before coming home so I picked up a magazine and began to read an article on Jiao bodhisattva in Buddhism, who serves as a guide for lost and unborn children. I sobbed as I read the article and for the first time ever I found myself praying my child would find its way to his grandmother. Booth was starting to rub off on me. I know heaven and God aren't real but for some reason thinking that my mother would eventually have my child in her arms gave me comfort.

Booth is home. I put the magazine on the night stand and pretended to sleep. I curled up and hoped Booth wouldn't notice I was awake. I wasn't ready to confront the reality of what had happened today; not yet. He moves my hair out of my face and kisses my cheek. He moves his hand down to my abdomen and whispers. I can hear the disappointment in his voice. I can't avoid him forever.


	2. Chapter 2

At the moment I had miscarried time itself turned into two paths. The timeline I was supposed to take went one way and I went the other, ridiculous direction, the road down which I wouldn't have a baby in November. I'm NOT supposed to be here. Two roads diverged, and I took the one less traveled just because the other one had a ROAD CLOSED sign in front of it. I continue farther and farther down this road and the farther I go the angrier I get. But, of course, there is no way back.

What did I do to cause this: I ran after a suspect last week, I drank a Coke, I had a sip of coffee, two sips of wine, I had too many cookie, didn't eat enough fruits and vegetables, forgot to take my prenatal vitamins a few times, I hate omega 3 so I didn't take it, I took some Tylenol when I was sick. I wasn't sure I wanted another child…. "Ahaha of course I did!"

Yesterday I spent most of the day murdering daylilies that had propagated all over the yard, spreading all the way from the neighbor's property into ours. I hacked away at their extensive root system and pulled up lily after lily. I was sweaty and tired, a vague worry crept over me, but I really wanted those lilies gone, so I kept digging and pulling. I was in a bad mood so I was enjoying pulling and hacking at the weeds. A deep, pulling pain kept spreading across my abdomen. The baby had already been dead for a week.

I like to think about Christine and how Booth and I are both healthy and can try again. I'm happy that it didn't happen later in the pregnancy, that I didn't get more attached. I'm happy that Christine didn't know about the pregnancy I couldn't bear to disappoint her too. I know there are a lot of reasons for me to be happy but I just can't do it.

I had miscarried a full week before I found out. The life inside me had ended and I didn't even know it. It took a while for me to realize something was wrong. It's kind of like being on the phone and the call gets cut off but you are still gabbing away like an idiot. It's the sort of thing you should notice; something dead inside you. Your body should let you in on these things. Actually now that I think about it I had started to feel a little different; less nauseated, less headachy. I had felt the same way during my first pregnancy around the same time. I had panicked then but now all I felt was relief that I was entering the easy part of pregnancy. I had no suspicions, just pain as I attempted to garden, and then the most insignificant spotting you could ever imagine.

When I was pregnant with Christine, at the beginning of the week, I would always announce to Booth what part of her I would be forming that week. So when the ultrasound showed the baby just lying there at the bottom of my uterus, I thought, I forgot to keep his heart beating. I never understood before why women who've miscarried find the sight of pregnant women so upsetting, but now, I get it. It not that I begrudge them their happy pregnancies. Who knows how many losses they've been through? Who knows what it took for them to get there? I really dislike feeling like that. I think it is because that's where U should be but it was all taken away in an instance. Thoughts raced through my mind all night I must've slept about an hour.

The next morning was just like any other. Booth made breakfast, I got Christine ready and we sat down all together. I could still see the disappointment on Booths face I hated it. I didn't want to see him like this but I really don't understand this situation…. I mean what am I supposed to do?

I placed my dishes in the sink and headed for the door. Booth turned to look at me and just stared…..

"Ill drop off Christine," he said.

"Okay, are you sure? I mean I always do it." I said as he nodded and turned back to his breakfast. The rest of the day was pretty much the same. Awkward one word answers and minimal eye contact. I had no one to talk to. I mean of course Angela was there but Booth wouldn't like that I went to her first and they just started talking to each other. I really need to confront the situation.

Later that night after Christine had gone to bed Booth and I finally talked. It was the most difficult conversation I have ever had. I couldn't get one sentence without crying. Booth was different that I thought he would be. He just held me and said it was okay that it wasn't my fault; these things happen. I honestly expected him to be angry and blame me; I know I did, but it was the complete opposite. Just like it always has. He was so comforting and reassuring. I didn't want him to let go. I hadn't really cried about it since that time at the doctor's office but as soon as I felt Booths chest pressed against my face I couldn't control it anymore. I cried for hours; Booth held me the whole time until I fell asleep.

It took me a while to get over the whole thing. Cam made me take it easy for a few weeks so as much as I didn't enjoy it, I stayed in the lab identifying historical remains. It was either that or go out with Booth and lose my job. Two months after I miscarried Angela and I went out for lunch and our waitress was pregnant- as pregnant as I would have been- I didn't want to look at her, but I couldn't look away. She had just entered that noticeably pregnant stage, a couple of weeks after you look like you've simply let yourself go and a month or two before the waddle. She looked so happy in her pregnancy. My heart began to race and my insides shredded themselves into confetti, "when are you do?" asked Angela, and the woman said, "November." She smiled at Angela, and her cheeks flushed. I got up, "I just remember something that I had to do back at the lab!" I managed to say, "But Brennan," I ran out to the street to hyperventilate for a while. But then I was okay. More or less. What was happening? I was supposed to be over this, to be able to live with it, but those constant reminders were just not letting me be.


	3. Chapter 3

I've been so alone lately, It's like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and no one can hear. I know I've always told Booth to let me deal with things on my own unless I ask for help but what he doesn't know is that I need him now more than ever. A child that once grew inside me is no longer there… How the hell am I supposed to just let that go. I feel like I'm about to explode! I've tried to be happy but all I can do is pretend. I wish the earth would just swallow me whole."Time heals all wounds" Yeah right! Nothing can help. I've tried everything. I even signed Christine and I up for a mommy and me karate class and have jam packed my day so I have minimal amount of time to think about what is going on but even like that as soon as I stop it all comes back. All the anger and disappointment I haven't been able to shake.I feel clueless an emotion I thought I would never experience. It's been weeks and Booth and I are still on a one word basis. Yesterday we sat through a whole dinner with my dad and maybe looked at each other once. I think my marriage is falling apart.

I finally broke down this morning. Just burst out screaming and crying in the middle of the platform. Never has something so pathetic and embarrassing ever felt so amazing. We received a case where a two year old boy was found in a field behind a mall. He had been dead for about 3 weeks according to Hodgins. I was still stuck at the lab until further notice but I was now allowed to examine remains if the case called for it. The boy's remains were brought to me around 11 this morning. I walked up to the table and time just stopped. I couldn't move. Almost instantly I felt the tears begin to roll down my face. I dropped to my knees and just rocked back and forth as I hyperventilated. . I couldn't stop it … I had lost all control. Everyone around me looked shocked and confused. Cam and Angela ran out of their offices in a panic. Cam ran up to the platform picked me up and walked me to my office. I couldn't breath I felt the world was just caving around me. Cam did her best to try and get me to breath normally again. Angela was on the phone with Booth and told him to get her as soon as he could. I could not stop crying no matter how hard I tried.

"Sweetie? Sweetie?!" yelled Angela, "I need you to look me right in the eyes…. okay…...now breathe with me…" I began breathing at the same pace as Angela. It seemed to work. I no longer had that burning crushing sensation in my chest. Cam and Angela sat with me until Booth showed up.

"I'm sorry guys… I..I don't know what happened." I apologized. Cam reassured as she poured me a glass of water. Angela smiled and ran her hand up and down my back. " You should lay down Dr. Brennan.." Suggested Cam. Next thing I knew I was asleep. I woke up to Booth running his fingers through my hair.

"What happened Bones?" That was the most he had said in weeks.

"i don't know. I couldn't control it…" He noticed me getting worked up again so he wrapped his arms around me…. I finally felt loved again.


End file.
